Life is School

There's this old anime called Golden Boy, where the main character runs around shouting "Life is school!" I watched it when I was already a young adult, and most of the themes wouldn't sit well with an older audience. But that's neither here nor there.

The concept that "Life is School" sat heavily with me the first time I heard it. I have always embraced change and growth - as much as possible with my autistic need for predictability - and I really enjoy the challenge of learning and adapting to new situations. Usually, I prefer to be the catalyst for those situations, rather than having the changes thrust upon me, but we don't always get to choose what role we're going to play in our personal growth.

Recently, I'd been feeling pretty stagnant. My life was settled into an extreme routine, repeating itself daily, down to the minute. I knew at any given time exactly what I was meant to be doing, where and when and with whom. Which was nice enough, in its own way. But it was also stifling, because the things I was doing, the places I was doing them, the people I was doing them with, were always the same. Deep down inside, I was longing for something - anything - to change.

I should learn to be careful what I wish for!

When my partner decided he no longer wished to be married to me, it threw everything up in the air. Suddenly, everything that was so predictable was up for grabs. Where would I live? What would I do as a career? Who would have the kids on which days at what time? Where would I work? How would I pay the bills? What would become of little ol' me without my partner to keep me in check?

Add to that the natural changes that come with transitioning as a trans person - that is, physical and emotional changes wrought by hormone treatment - and you've got yourself a pretty potent change situation on your hands.

So here I am, exactly one month into my transition from female to male, suddenly without a partner, potentially without a home, struggling to find a new job, and completely overwhelmed by it all.

But at the exact same time: CHANGE. Finally. Suddenly. Change. It's like a literal breath of fresh air after having been locked in a dusty old room for ages.

It's up to me to decide what kind of man I want to be. It's up to me to decide what kind of career I want to have. I have the power of choice in all of this. I can decide what kind of ex-spouse to be, and what kind of parent I want to be to my children. And these are powers I always had, but I wasn't aware of them. I didn't realize that I had this power to begin with. (Better late than never, eh?)

While I feel overwhelmed by the weight of all the responsibility placed on my shoulders throughout all of this, I also feel violently grateful for the opportunities at hand. For right this moment, my immediate needs are met. We have food on the table. I have a roof over my head. I have jobs to apply to, and skills I can utilize to acquire them. I am blessed beyond measure to be a creative individual with a drive for success.

I am very lucky, in many respects.

So while everything is topsy-turvy in my personal life, I still feel confident that things will work out in the end. I just have to be patient, be observant, take chances, and remember that "Life is School." It's my job to learn, and adapt, and be willing to change and grow. And that's exactly what I'm going to do.